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The Mentally Advanced Series/Transcripts
__TOC__ Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19 Episode 20 Episode 21 Episode 22 Episode 23 Episode 0 Episode -1 :Twilight Sparkle: ...So ever since I woke up, I've just had this weird sense of vertigo and déjà vu. Like something isn't totally right. :Applejack: Well, I dunno what to tell ya, darlin'. I'm not a doctor. In fact, the only thing I'm an expert in is apples. So unless your problem is related to apple farmin', I can't really provide much insight. :Twilight Sparkle: I didn't come to you for your expertise. I would go to a book for that. Actually, I'd go to a book for apple farming while we're at it. I came to you because I get the feeling that maybe you're the most levelheaded pony I've met around here. And I figured if anyone could sense a deviation from the norm, it might be you. :Applejack: Now, I'm pretty sure I heard an insult in there. Was any of that supposed to be a compliment? Because... 'Cause it sounded like maybe... :Twilight Sparkle: There was— :Applejack: ...probably most of it was just insults really. :Twilight Sparkle: A little of both, I guess. I mean to say you're boring as hell but reliably boring, so that's good. :Applejack: Oh, well, if it's good, then you're reliably a bitch. Great job. But I haven't noticed none of the stuff you're tellin' me about, Twilight, okay? :Twilight Sparkle: I find it funny that the element of honesty gets snippy with me for being honest. :Applejack: Oh, don't you pull that on me. There is honesty and then there is frankness to the point of absurdity— :Twilight Sparkle: It doesn't matter! Just look around your farm. Does it seem... I dunno, I... I dunno how to describe it. :Applejack: Looks the same as it always has to me. :Spike: belch Ugh. It's like heartburn every time. Twilight, I've got a letter. :Twilight Sparkle: Here. Give it to me. Okay. Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah... Oh, right. The Gala. I hate the Gala. And of course tickets. Two of them. Like I've got anybody to invite or something. God, I'm lonely. :Applejack: Wait. The Great Galloping Gala? :Twilight Sparkle: No, it's "Grand Galloping Gala", you backwards mudhorse. :Applejack: It says right there on the ticket "Great". :Twilight Sparkle: Oh. ...Huh. :Applejack: See? You bonehead. :Twilight Sparkle: Don't call me a bonehead. :Applejack: Are these fightin' words? Or are they terms of endearment? Choose carefully, darlin', because one option gets a horseshoe embedded in your teeth. :Twilight Sparkle: I have the magical power to kill you, resurrect your corpse, then kill you again. Don't threaten me with violence. :Applejack: Okay. Uh, let's back up and try again. I am expressin' displeasure with the tone of your discourse. :Twilight Sparkle: I am connected like you would not believe, and if you challenge me, there will cease to be an Applejack! :Applejack: Darlin', seriously? :Twilight Sparkle: Yes! :Applejack: scoffs Okay. Fat lot of good it'll do ya. :beat :Twilight Sparkle: So... do you want a ticket to the Gala? :crash :Rainbow Dash: groans :Applejack: Good heavens, darlin'! That sounded painful! Y'all alright? :Twilight Sparkle: What is wrong with you? :Rainbow Dash: Oh, what went wrong? Uh, well, I was practicing flying and then I got disoriented and then there was the ground. So what is wrong is I clearly need to practice harder. :Twilight Sparkle: Have you ever thought about getting a non-stupid hobby? :Rainbow Dash: I don't have time for hobbies. I gotta train for the Wonderbolts. I keep applying and they keep rejecting me, but if I keep doing it, sooner or later they're gonna let me in. :Twilight Sparkle: They require a college degree. :Rainbow Dash: inhale Well... that... n-not if you're really good. :Twilight Sparkle: No, Dash, it's a program for military officers, so you... Look, do you guys want Gala tickets? :Applejack: Wait. You're just givin' them to us? :Twilight Sparkle: I don't need them. I'm the princess's protégé and my brother is the captain of the royal guard. I may as well be castle staff. :Applejack: Well, I'll be darned, Twilight. That's sweet of y'all. Well, you know, for practical reasons, I bet I could set up a food stall and make a huge bundle sellin' some of our apple dishes. :Twilight Sparkle: You're... You're gonna bring a food stall? N-No, look... catering is included with the ticket. Food is provided. :Applejack: Yeah, well, that may be, but I'll betcha those sheltered high-class ponies ain't never had any real down-home country cookin'. :Twilight Sparkle: AJ, the catering is rated with three Messara stars. You're planning to compete with world-class chefs with street vending. I'm feeling sympathetically embarrassed just imagining it. Don't. :Applejack: Twi, nobody gets ahead by not takin' any risks. You gotta put yourself out there. :Twilight Sparkle: There is a limit to that kind of conventional wisdom. :Rainbow Dash: I don't think I really want a ticket. :Twilight Sparkle: Why? Dash, you're just being arbitrary. :Rainbow Dash: It sounds all boring and posh. :Twilight Sparkle: I just said the food is rated with three Messara stars. You will never get a chance to eat food like that again in your life. You will not be able to afford it. :Rainbow Dash: But you're just giving both tickets away. If it's so great, how come you're giving away both tickets? :Twilight Sparkle: Do you want me to give it to Rarity? She... She probably knows what they're for. :Rainbow Dash: No-no-no! No-no. I-If Rarity wants them, I want them too. :Twilight Sparkle: sigh Y-You're just gonna set them on your desk and forget you have them, aren't you? The Wonderbolts are gonna be there. You know that, right? :Rainbow Dash: Oh, no way! Oh, you should've said! :Twilight Sparkle: They're the cream of the Cloudsdale military. Formerly anyway. Look, I've had too much stupid for one day. Are you guys happy? You're not gonna throw those away or use them for drink coasters, are you? :Applejack: No, no. I mean... it's a ways out and I gotta check my schedule. You know how it is. It's like opportunity costs and what-have-ya. :Rainbow Dash: Are you sure the Wonderbolts are gonna be there? How come you just give away tickets to the Wonderbolts? :Twilight Sparkle: Those tickets are worth thousands of bits. Both you guys, it's a royal event. Look it up. And don't forget – you need to dress nice. Really nice. Not business casual. I mean you guys should pretend to be filthy rich. :Applejack: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a problem on account of I ain't filthy rich. :Rainbow Dash: I don't really own a dress. I don't even know what size I wear. Hey, what if we sell the tickets 'cause they're worth thousands of bits and then use the money to buy a really nice dress? :Twilight Sparkle: Because that's stupid and circular and, on top of everything else, scalping those tickets is a felony. Don't lose them. Just... I dunno, rent something. And if you change your minds, for God's sake, tell me. Don't throw the tickets away. :Applejack: Alright. Have it your way. I'll think about it and I'll let you know. See ya later, darlin'. :Rainbow Dash: This is very suspicious. Episode -2 Episode -3 Episode -4 :Twilight Sparkle: So what are we all gathered around for? Did this crowd just form spontaneously? :Rarity: I don't know. I don't really recall how I got here, but I'm in the front of the crowd, and that makes me happy. This seems to happen a lot with social situations. :Rainbow Dash: I think we're all waiting on the "Tricky Shoe". :Applejack: Either that or a fireworks sale. Two-for-one, although it's a bit early for Hearth's Warmin'. :Spike: Do we have to be here? I want to go home. :Twilight Sparkle: Why? The only thing waiting at home for you is chores. :Spike: I found a bit lying on the ground. I'm gonna put it in my bed and I'm gonna sleep on it. :Twilight Sparkle: Spike, give me that. You don't know where it's been. It's dirty. :Spike: But... it's mine. I found it. :poof :Trixie: Welcome, everypony, to the great, the powerful... Tricksy Shoe! Show. Oh, shoot, did I write that? Um... I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. My name is spelled with an 'X' actually. I think when I made that banner, I was a little drunk. I was gonna change my name for marketing, but never mind. Behold! :Rainbow Dash: Hey, your show sucks so far! :Trixie: Who said that? How dare you! I'll have you know that an honest critique killed my family! :Twilight Sparkle: She didn't mean your show sucks. :Rarity: Twilight, it does suck. And so does her outfit, by the way. :Trixie: Oh, oh! She said it too! This whole town, you guys are all stupid head-up-your-butt idiots, and I hope you all die! :Twilight Sparkle: No, no, no... whispering Guys, stop heckling! For once in our damn lives, just let an avoidable conflict pass us by like a drunk weekend! normally No, see, around here, when kids say you suck, it means they think you're great. :Trixie: What do you think I am, an idiot? Like as big of an idiot as everybody in this crowd? And everyone is an idiot, and if you say differently, then you're a bigger idiot, and I'm gonna tell everyone else in the town over that you guys are all idiots! :Twilight Sparkle: No, I-I mean, look, if you did that, I mean, clearly you're the victim here and you'd be in the right. But you know how, like, a long time ago, "bad" used to mean "cool"? It's kind of like that. It-It's one of these insipid generational slang things. :Trixie: Well, that's right. You guys are in the wrong, because you're, like, a whole crowd and you're just ganging up on one person. That's not fair. That's like mob mentality. But I-I didn't know about the "suck" thing, so... really sorry for my outburst. chuckling I guess I'm getting old if I don't know about the slang today. :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, it happens to the best of us. :Applejack: So now that we're all friends and we agree that you're great, can you get on and do your little show, darlin'? :Trixie: My show? Um... Well... there's not actually a show yet. :Rarity: Then why did you get so upset when we said it sucked?! :Trixie: Because I thought you were crushing my dreams before they began. :Rarity: We only do that so you don't waste all your time and wind up disappointed. It's tough love. Except we don't actually care about you, so mostly it's just tough. :Trixie: No, hear me out. It's a great plan. I'm gonna do Peter Pan On Ice, but I'm gonna crowd-source everything. :Rarity: Did you seriously gather together a bunch of cheap plywood so you could build a stage and tell us this? Did you not realize that you could get drunk at the local bar and do the same thing for less time and energy? :Trixie: I've also got this story about how I wrestled a space bear. :Rarity: Same criticism applies. Just drink a lot and tell the stallions your little story, and eventually, one of them will take you home. Instant gratification with half the work. :Trixie: That's shallow. The objective is to spend money to make money and then get the guys, okay? I'm business-oriented. If I spend money and skip straight to guys, that's like... Well, that's like missing a crucial ambitious step. :Twilight Sparkle: The long-term planning to afford the alimony suit. :Trixie: Yeah, that one. Well, I don't really want to settle down with a guy. I just want money. I mean, and a guy occasionally, but I don't want to settle down with him. :Rarity: scoffs I know what you mean. You know, I run a boutique myself. :Trixie: Really? I tried to take up sewing. I made my own outfit. But maybe I could come by. :Rarity: Oh, that would be great! We should make a date out of it. If you've got a few bits, I could really spruce up your outfit with some gaudy rhinestones. :Twilight Sparkle: Is the show done? :Trixie: Oh. Yeah, kinda. Except, speaking of bits... I'm sorry I called you guys idiots, so can you put money in my hat and help crowd-fund my project? Otherwise, no, I don't have any bits. :Rarity: Oh. Well, I sure hope someone gives you some money so you can afford my brilliant tailoring skills. whispering Twilight, give her some money. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering You give her your money. :Rarity: whispering It's to pay for my tailoring. It's for a good cause. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering I'm not gonna pay your dumb ass for her tailoring. :Rarity: whispering Then you're paying for her performance. It's like a charity. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering What do I get for this? :Rarity: sighs Do you like Ponet? You like Ponet. I'll hook you up with Ponet. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering No, no, he's... He's not my type. He's a pretty boy. :Rarity: whispering Well, he's the sensitive type. Maybe he'd be up for certain things. You could try pegging. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering I don't care what he's into! If I tell you he's not my type, he's not my type! :Rarity: whispering Doctor Horse then. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering Forget the dating thing! :Rarity: whispering But it's Doctor Horse. Come on. :Twilight Sparkle: whispering He's married! Married! :Rarity: whispering So? :Trixie: Put money in the hat please. :Twilight Sparkle: Fine. I've got a bit. :Spike: Hey! That's my bit! You filthy four-legged thieves! You can't do this! :Trixie: Hey. Whoa. Four-legged thieves? I did not realize how racist Ponyville was towards ponies. You wouldn't expect that from the name. :Twilight Sparkle: Would you stop doing that? Y-You can't put yourself in front of a crowd intentionally and talk to it like it's a hive mind. :Trixie: I tell you what, I tell you what. I will pretend to be mollified to avoid conflict with you racist guys, but later I'm gonna go on my blog and I'm gonna tell everyone that Ponyville sucks. :Twilight Sparkle: How is that a bargain? You know, actually, I don't care. I bet your blog sucks. I bet nobody follows it. :Applejack: Twi, maybe y'all should just go before this blows up. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, AJ, I'm gonna go, but, just, you know, before... Fine! You know, uh, you, the rest of you enjoy... whatever this is! Unless... I'm going. Because I want to! Not because you told me. :Twilight Sparkle: grumbling "What I learned today is... it's not the friends you make but the friends you keep." :Spike: Nope, you already did that one. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, then you suggest something. :Spike: "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned there's nothing wrong with a bisexual fling if it blows off tension." :Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick. Eat a dick. Hey, did we ever figure out what this key goes to? :Spike: Nae, I don't know what that key belongs to. :Twilight Sparkle: Well, just put it somewhere safe. I'm tired of seeing it lay around. :Spike: Hey, how about... "You look at your friends differently after a bisexual fling." :Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick! :Spike: What? She's not gonna read it. :Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick, I said. No more. Episode -5 :Spike: Twilight, I'm bored. Aren't we supposed to be outside learning about friendship or the magic of arse-kissing or something? :Twilight Sparkle: Spike, have you read about a sociological model that's not grounded in complete crap? :Spike: All I ever hear about the social sciences are disparaging comments from you. :Twilight Sparkle: Well, the social sciences are nearly impossible to test empirically, and my little case studies are the furthest thing from scientific. So the best thing I can learn is the magic of drinking with Applejack on the weekends but only specifically with Applejack. And those lessons don't generalize over to other ponies unless the lesson is insanely vague. And sometimes not even then. :Spike: Fine. Justify it however you want. But if we keep staying indoors all day, we're gonna get rickets disease from the lack of sunlight. :Twilight Sparkle: Hey, speaking of disease, I feel like you've been looking a little bit... misshapen lately? :Spike: Well, that's funny because lately you've been looking like a real— belch Ugh. Excuse me. I was gonna say you're a bitch. :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, yeah. What's the letter say? :Applejack: So alright, I got this chicken blood y'all wanted. Mrs. Cluckerbottom was on her way to doggie kibble, but Granny says she wants y'all to pay us back for the other three we had to butcher. :Twilight Sparkle: Pay her back? I've been ordered to save the town from a dragon. That includes Sweet Apple Acres. She ought to be paying me! :Applejack: I know that, but that ain't how she figures. She thinks since y'all live here, you'd probably save the town one way or the other just to cover your own butt. And since you're livin' on a stipend from the government, she don't give a hoot. Y'all asked for chicken blood, so y'all gotta pay for chicken blood. :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah? Well, next time the town is in danger, I'll come up with a plan that saves everything but the farm. :Applejack: I hate to break this to ya, darlin', but Granny has no fear of death and she already views y'all as a product of drunk, irresponsible, political nepotism. If y'all destroy the farm in purposeful ignorance, she'll only feel vindicated. :Twilight Sparkle: Well... I could donate money to a pride parade or something. :Applejack: Well, she's pretty traditional, so that might get her goat – along with a couple other folks I know. But seriously though, do not battle Granny. You may win at the end, but she will make it a pyrrhic victory. :Rainbow Dash: I found the other guys! :Twilight Sparkle: Alright, great. That means we've got the elements of noisy, stupid, prissy, whatever I represent, and Applejack. That ought to be all we need to get rid of this dragon. :Rarity: What do we need the element of Applejack for? :Applejack: Darlin', you're missin' an element. :Twilight Sparkle: No, we're not. This is everybody. :Applejack: Element of kindness, sugarcube? :Twilight Sparkle: Is that you? Are you leaving? Don't walk out on this! :Applejack: No! The element of kindness, dear! You know, yellow gal? Pink hair? Mumbles a lot and stares at her hooves? :Twilight Sparkle: ...Dash? :Applejack: Does she look yellow?! Are you color-blind?! :Twilight Sparkle: No. She just has a lot of colors and sometimes she goes by really fast, so I took a guess. :Applejack: She is as blue as a berry and she's right over there! Guess again! :Twilight Sparkle: It's fine, AJ. Okay? Guys, here's what's going on. There's a dragon in that cave in the mountains, and it's gonna go to sleep for a thousand years. The soot from its breath is gonna cause environmental damage and possibly hurt crops, which has Filthy Rich upset, so we're being used to deal with it. :Rainbow Dash: Oh, cool! Are we gonna adventure to the top of the mountain and then negotiate with the dragon? :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Then we're gonna eat a bottle of painkillers and throw ourselves off a cliff. :Rarity: Why the hell would we do that? Twilight, can we please cut through your usual sarcasm? :Twilight Sparkle: Why the hell would we try to negotiate with a fire-breathing dragon?! If we had anything to offer it, it would just set us on fire and take whatever that thing was! :Rarity: Twilight, I have three orders to fill this month, and I don't have time to go mountain-climbing! :Twilight Sparkle: Good. We're on the same page then because I don't have time for that either. So here's what we're gonna do. Each of you stand on a point in this star that I've drawn here in chicken blood. :Applejack: Twi, I'm startin' to get a little apprehensive. What are we doin' exactly? :Twilight Sparkle: You are shutting up and standing there. This should not be the hardest part. Now here, I've got a script for you guys. I'll say the stuff in red, then you guys say the stuff in blue, okay? :Rarity: Oh, my. This is a slightly more... advanced kind of magic than what I learned in school. :Twilight Sparkle: Yes, that's because I didn't go to school. I was personally educated by God. Now shut up and read what it says in order. We have to do this ritual. "Hey!" :Main cast sans Twilight: "What?" :Twilight Sparkle: "Come up here!" :Main cast sans Twilight: "Why?" :Pinkie Pie: Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: "I said come up here!" :Main cast sans Twilight: "Why don't you come down here?" :Pinkie Pie: Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: "Don't give me that! You come up here!" :Main cast sans Twilight: "What do you want?" :Twilight Sparkle: "Come up here!" :Main cast sans Twilight: "I'm busy!" :Pinkie Pie: Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: "Do not make me ask you again!" :boom :Helldemon: Fine! What do you want?! :Pinkie Pie: Destroy Ponyville! Yes! :Twilight Sparkle: No-no. There's a dragon in a cave in that mountain. What I want you to do is go up, take this plastic garbage bag, and slide it over the dragon's head. What are you looking at? The dragon should be asleep, and the bag is enchanted to be fire-resistant. :Helldemon: I could destroy an army with a flick of my fingers, and you drag me from my soaps in the very bowels of Hell so I may be reduced to smothering a mortal creature with a plastic bag?! :Twilight Sparkle: Well, I certainly didn't summon you to whine. Okay, I thought of the garbage bag thing first, but then I had this idea, and I wasn't ready to let go of the old plan, so I combined them into one. If the bag doesn't work, just improvise. When the dragon is dead, go back to Hell. :explosion Episode -6 :Applejack: Oh, boy, if it ain't the town bicycle comin' through. Hey, Rarity, how much mileage does a lady get before she needs an oil change, if you catch my drift? :Rarity: A whole lot more mileage than she gets if she's just rusting in the parking lot. sighs I start one little rumor this month about you having a uterine tumor, and you just will not let it die. So what are you doing here? Don't tell me that we're going on another adventure. :Applejack: I don't rightly know. I just got a letter from Twilight sayin' that we urgently needed to meet her here at the treehouse tonight. :Rarity: And they're planning a massive thunderstorm. I bet you're going to be tracking all your mudpony mud into everyone's houses. :Applejack: At least my messes don't call for a good bleach scrub. :Rarity: chuckles Except for that disgusting scratchy mess that you call hair. :slams :Twilight Sparkle: stilted Hey! You guys. Rarity and Applejack. My two friends. :Applejack: Uh, hello there, Twilight. How are y'all doin' today? :Twilight Sparkle: Yes. I mean, I'm feeling great. So good, in fact, because some guards came by and took Spike away for questioning, and I just know that they're gonna realize that I've been taking my friendship assignment super-seriously, and I love you guys. :Applejack: Oh. :Rarity: In that case, if you or anyone else is listening, I would be ecstatic to meet Prince Blueblood. :Twilight Sparkle: Heh. Rumor is that he's gay. And conceited like he's a rooster with the world's biggest rooster dick, but I bet you would extort someone over that. Yeah, come inside... friends. Don't stand out in the rain. :Applejack: So, uh... we're here for friendship studies. Is that right? :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. The same thing that we do every night. If anybody asks. I-In fact, I was thinking tonight we could do a slumber party. And-and, like, catch up on each other's personal interests. Fun, huh? :Rarity: A slumber party? What are we, kids? :Twilight Sparkle: Mentally or physically, because...! Just go with it. I never had slumber parties when I was a kid and Celestia knows it, so I could probably study this. :Applejack: Aw, how come you never had sleepovers? Not a very social kid? :Twilight Sparkle: Nah. I just had a ridiculous lifetime of homework crammed into every solitary day of my life. I'd sleep for four hours, then catch small naps between work throughout the day. Stress usually kept me up anyway. :Rarity: Well, fact remains that we are too old for a slumber party. And you had better have some kind of luxurious futon, because I refuse to sleep on the floor! :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, the slumber party thing is just semantics. I got you guys covered. I've got a hard cider for AJ and a daiquiri for Rarity. :Rarity: Oh, you know how to mix a daiquiri! Great, that sounds wonderful. :Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I know how to mix every drink in the book. Wait here... companions. :Rarity: Well, this is a real treat. Here I thought she'd finally lost her mind and was about to ask us to play Twister. I mean, imagine me with some filthy, flea-ridden mudpony. :Applejack: I dunno if I even feel like drinkin'. You know, Rarity, a lot of slumber parties involve just watchin' a movie and goin' to bed. :Rarity: Really? My parents were okay with co-ed slumber parties. So I used to do that thing where you would go in the closet. You know, you spin the bottle, then you go in the wardrobe for seven minutes and titter because you can't see what you're groping. :Applejack: I ain't never been to one of those parties. :Rarity: chuckles That's because I never invited you. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, got a Ponis cider for Applejack, and here's the daiquiri for Rarity. :Rarity: What is this? :Twilight Sparkle: It's a daiquiri... for Rarity. :shatters :Rarity: Well, now it's on the floor. That was not a daiquiri! :Twilight Sparkle: Yes, it is! Rum, lime, juice, syrup – daiquiri! :Rarity: What about the strawberry, smarty-pants?! Or the fact that it should be a slush?! Those are the parts that make it a daiquiri! :Twilight Sparkle: That's a frozen strawberry daiquiri! That's a specific variant of daiquiri! And I hope you like the one that I gave you because you're sitting in it, you ass! What I gave you was a standard, non-frozen daiquiri, and now there's glass all over the floor! :Rarity: scoffs Don't blow a blood vessel. Just call Spike out here and have him clean it. :Twilight Sparkle: He's not here! They took him away! How is that not, like, a crucial thing that you processed? :Rarity: Ohhh, right. Well, slumber party rules – one, two, three, not it! :Twilight Sparkle: What? ...Oh. sighs Okay, not it. :Applejack: Twilight, seriously?! I was waitin' for you to call her out on it. Come on! She made the mess – she ought to clean it. :Rarity: No, no, no. This is a slumber party. It's all about fun and relaxation. So you have to clean up the broken glass. :Applejack: whimpering Is it still bleedin'? :Twilight Sparkle: No, I think it stopped. :Rarity: That was so ridiculous. I forget how dependent a mudpony is on its mouth. What do you do after you've used the restroom? :Applejack: Rarity, I'm shocked that y'all don't already know everything there is to know about lickin' buttholes! Twilight, I gotta be honest. I'm not havin' a real good time, and I don't feel like I'm bondin' with either of you. :Twilight Sparkle: You learned a new reason to hate Rarity tonight. :Applejack: Okay, but if I can lay some blame, a pony with magic strong enough to rip Rarity in two pieces was supportive of her decisions. :Twilight Sparkle: AJ, we can't compromise the friendship study by murdering Rarity. It would make it impossible to do repeat testing, and then the results would be bunk. :Applejack: Can't y'all just make up some folksy wisdom like always? Like "two ponies... somethin', somethin'... ain't got nothin' in common can't be friends just 'cause they have one mutual friend, and... that's why the real giants are found in the heart." :Twilight Sparkle: No, I think I've got to actually write something tonight. :Rarity: Why doesn't AJ just leave? You could say that you got in a fight and... something, something, heart of the cards, you learned from failure. :Applejack: Yeah. I mean, Rarity put it stupid, but if your story always has some kind of positive happy ending, Celestia's probably gonna realize that the entire thing is fictitious. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay. That's a fair argument. :Rarity: Oh, my, but the rain is really coming down hard now. I think I'll stick around. :Twilight Sparkle: Great. :Applejack: I'll just borrow one of your umbrellas here and tough it out. Thanks for the cider, Twilight. I'll see ya later. Episode -7 :Pinkie Pie: whispering Twilight! Twilight! Psst! Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: For the last time, I am not going to bed with you! :Pinkie Pie: What? Oh. P-Pinkie has never said this. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: It is heavily implied! Do not act like I don't see— :Pinkie Pie: It is innuendo. Yes. You cannot say that Pinkie...! stuttering That means you cannot acknowledge Pinkie's intentions until she properly seduces you! Twilight agrees. Yes. These are the rules! :Twilight Sparkle: No. :Pinkie Pie: Then how does Pinkie properly innuendo to Twilight? Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: Maybe get a stable job, take life more seriously... grow a horn... :Pinkie Pie: No. Yes. whispering But Twilight must come inside. Her life is in danger. :Twilight Sparkle: From what? :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I'm inside. Why is everyone inside? I told you guys no more surprise parties. :Pinkie Pie: Behold! Out the window! Twilight was just in time! Gaze upon the pure, unadulterated horror of the zebra! Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: She's just... standing there. :Rainbow Dash: You don't understand. That's what makes it so scary, Twilight. She comes to Ponyville and she just stands there! Why does she do that?! We don't know! :Applejack: Sometimes she digs at the ground. Like, not real diligently. She just kinda... :Rarity: She's got a mohawk. I mean, oh, my God. :Twilight Sparkle: Dash, aren't you the one who was excited to go face down a dragon a little while ago? You guys are seriously hiding in terror in a candy store because there's a zebra in town. :Rainbow Dash: Well, that's different than a dragon though. She's got stripes. Like a tiger. Or a cuttlefish! :Pinkie Pie: The black and white represents the dua-l nature of mortality! Or morality. Mortal morality! Yes. It is good and evil balanced within a single equine! She is an affront to our existential shells! Yes. :Rarity: Seriously, who wears a mohawk in this day and age? She's probably a drug dealer. Or a road warrior. :Applejack: I hear she's allergic to every fruit but tangerines. :Rainbow Dash: I heard she's a zebra! :Applejack: How do you be allergic to every fruit but tangerine? They're all fruits. What's in 'em? Fruit! I'm pretty sure you've gotta use some kind of evil witchcraft to make yourself allergic to everything but tangerines. :Twilight Sparkle: Why would anyone use black magic to give themselves a food allergy? :beat :Applejack: Well... she didn't. 'Cause you know how, like, Dracula can't eat garlic 'cause he's evil. :Twilight Sparkle: Or maybe Dracula's a fictional character. :Applejack: Maybe. :Twilight Sparkle: Where is Mr. and Mrs. Cake anyway? Shouldn't they be bothered that there's a group panic attack in their store and Pinkie's not at the register? :Rarity: Mr. Cake is away on business and Mrs. Cake is... checking inventory in the pantry with a couple of guys. What are their names? Thunder Wings? And Butterfly Sting. I know that one. :Twilight Sparkle: You mean the heavyweight champion unicorn boxer Butterfly Sting? :Rarity: Oh, yeah. Apparently, he's headed up to Canterlot for some mountain cardio and he stopped off in Ponyville. That's why I'm even at the Sugarcube Corner. I thought I might catch him, but apparently, Mrs. Cake beat me to the punch. chuckling If you like a pun. :Twilight Sparkle: Man, that guy's in his prime. He's married to, like, a model or something. :Rarity: I know, right? Go, Mrs. Cake. :Applejack: I think it's just rightly deplorable. Poor Mr. Cake. I know he ain't the cutest fella, but he's diligent. :Twilight Sparkle: What did she say to get Butterfly Sting into the back room? And how did Thunder Wings get involved? :Pinkie Pie: Twilight, focus! Yes! There is evil at our doorstep prepared to alter our very lives! And the very way we gossip about Mrs. Cake! :Rarity: I think some stallions just have a preference for older, curvier mares. :Applejack: Well, Mr. Cake clearly has a preference for older, curvier mares and they made promises to each other. :Rarity: You are just saying that because you are embarrassingly single all the time. Butterfly Sting is, like, a strong, handsome celebrity. If you didn't go for it, you'd spend your entire life wondering what might have been. :Applejack: Thirty seconds of sweatin' and gruntin'. :Rarity: And a memory that lasts forever and, with that memory, a flowing sense of self-confidence. :Applejack: Yeah, and it flows right down your face, and in this case, down your butt cheek 'cause there's two of 'em. :Rarity: And down your inner thigh. Shut up, darling! I hate to tell you this, but you have no experience here. :Applejack: You know, what else is forever is the obliterated trust between her and Mr. Cake if he finds out. And what business is it of yours what level of experience I'' have? :'Rarity': And just how is he gonna find out? :'Pinkie Pie': You guys! Yes, there is the danger to society! The strip-ed zebra! :'Twilight Sparkle': Yeah, well, we don't know what the zebra does, but we ''know that Mrs. Cake is in the back with a couple stallions. :Pinkie Pie: No! Yes. Pinkie appeals to your fear of the unknown! :Twilight Sparkle: Is it really that big of a deal? 'Cause I'll deal with it. Dash, come with me. :Twilight Sparkle: Hey. :Rainbow Dash: yelping :whack :Twilight Sparkle: What? :Pinkie Pie: You did it! Yes. :Rainbow Dash: Oh, we did a dual tech attack. You should've told me. I thought you were pulling me out of the way of an evil spell. :Pinkie Pie: She's dead! Yes. Okay, now do Mrs. Cake. :Applejack: What happened? Where's the zebra? :Twilight Sparkle: Uh... :Rainbow Dash: We did a magic headbutt, and then she died! :Applejack: You did what? :Twilight Sparkle: We know less than nothing about zebras. Episode -8 :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so we got a cake, we need some fine wine, someone's gotta get a red carpet... Oh, my God, I forgot to get the golden statue of Celestia! Uh... it's okay! Maybe-maybe she'll settle for an ice sculpture! Pinkie! Who in town knows how to make ice sculptures?! :Pinkie Pie: Pinkie does. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: Are you lying? :Pinkie Pie: chuckling No. whispering Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: Well then, don't! This is serious! Celestia's coming to Ponyville, and I don't know if you realize this, but since getting to town, I have been doing dick! :Pinkie Pie: Rarity is the bad influence on you. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: I mean metaphorically! I'm supposed to be studying friendship, but all I've got is a handful of situational anecdotes! I couldn't even get into a scientific journal with that, and that's, like, the lowest, most paltry measure of success in a research project! A mentally handicapped chimp could get into a scientific journal, Pinkie! A mentally handicapped chimp! :Pinkie Pie: Then you should outsource your research to a mentally handicapped chimp. Yes. Then take credit for its research! Or-or-or we could poison Celestia! Yes. Then your failings will be forgiven! :Twilight Sparkle: Are you kidding?! Celestia's personal memoirs on poison alone could fill this room from top to bottom! A concoction of carefully measured deadly toxins is part of her daily diet! They say her saliva could kill a pony! Why do you think she doesn't have any suitors? :Fluttershy: Um... excuse me? :Twilight Sparkle: The store is closed. :Fluttershy: I'm sorry. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay, great. Glad we cleared that up. :Fluttershy: Um... Twilight? :Twilight Sparkle: What?! :Fluttershy: Am I supposed to be here for the party? :Twilight Sparkle: It is closed invitational, so no. Random-ass ponies do not belong. :Fluttershy: Oh. Okay. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Goodbye. :Fluttershy: Um... Twilight? :Twilight Sparkle: What?!? :Fluttershy: Am I still an Element of Harmony? It's okay if I'm not! I understand! :Twilight Sparkle: sighs Okay, look. You must've missed the town meeting, but when Dash tried to recruit about, like, half the town to be Elements of Harmony, you can't do that. It's a... magical destiny thing. It just... It-It just doesn't work, okay? :Fluttershy: Oh, okay. I-I didn't know. I-I thought I was there, and that... But it all just happened so fast, I guess. :Twilight Sparkle: If you were an Element of Harmony, you'd know. You'd get, like, a necklace and everything. I mean, do you even have any friends? :Fluttershy: I have a bunny named Angel. But we're not on speaking terms right now. :Twilight Sparkle: So basically, you have no friends and you're asking if you're one of the elements of friendship. :Fluttershy: It does sound dumb when you think about it. I can't believe it! I let myself think I have a higher purpose again! :Twilight Sparkle: See? Yeah, you can't be an element of friendship 'cause, like, think about it. Take Rarity. She's the element of, uh... uh, Rarity, and she's got a ton of friends, like-like, um... a-a lot of the guys a-around town. Kinda. Or, uh, you could take Rainbow Dash. She, uh... stammers S-She knows ponies, but I... stammers Well, there's Pinkie! Pinkie knows a lot of ponies :Pinkie Pie: Yes. Pinkie knows all their secrets. And the yellow one has to be the friendly ponis to be the instrument of friendliness. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: What the heck is that? :Fluttershy: Oh. I guess this is also a friend I made. I found him by the woods, and he lives in my hair now. :Parasprite: Bleh! :Twilight Sparkle: It's, uh... kind of disgusting. :Pinkie Pie: chuckles She is infested with parasprites. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: What's a parasprite? And don't tell me a lie. If it sounds stupid, I'm gonna look it up in a book. :Pinkie Pie: They are the magical parasitic bug that reproduces asexually. Pinkie once considered unleash them upon her foes, but they are thwarted by the tuba. Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Some of that is evident, and some of that sounds implausible and stupid. :Pinkie Pie: scoffs W-What is this mistrust of Pinkie?! This is discrimination! Yes. The Earth ponies is to be trusted with nature! :Twilight Sparkle: I can't even trust you with a sandwich. So these things reproduce really quickly, huh? :Pinkie Pie: Faster than fruit flies when Gummy doesn't throw out the garbage! Yes. :Twilight Sparkle: Faster than fruit flies... I've got an idea. :Twilight Sparkle: Alright, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna watch these little guys for signs of aggression. Since they're asexual, they should all have the same DNA. So if there's a genetic link to social behavior, we can probably breed an entire family line of aggressive parasprites. :Fluttershy: But if they all have the same DNA, how will parasprites with different DNA be born? :Twilight Sparkle: Listen, Peapod. :Fluttershy: My name is Fluttershy. :Twilight Sparkle: I know your name! Listen. If you don't understand basic genetics, then just nod your head and pretend that you do. Good. :Pinkie Pie: The yellow one embarrasses all with her lack of social grace. Yes. One day, we will get her for this. :Fluttershy: I'm sorry. whispering But how do you test their genetics? :Twilight Sparkle: It's simple. You put 'em in a test tube, you put a ball bearing in the test tube, you give it a good shake... and boom! You've got a nice little parasprite purée. A little bit of electrophoresis, and we've got an actual study on social behavior. I just hope Celestia doesn't mind that I'm doing a real research paper instead of the usual offhanded tripe I've been calling friendship studies. :Fluttershy: Hey, Twilight? You know that joke where you're talking about someone and then it turns out they're right behind you? :Twilight Sparkle: yelping :Princess Celestia: I'm pleased that you're taking your research so seriously, my faithful student. It eases the risk of my terminating your various grants. :Twilight Sparkle: nervously :Princess Celestia: Curiously, I've slipped your mind faster than I might've expected. :Twilight Sparkle: No, no! No. I just... kinda... n-not sure. :Princess Celestia: If you lose track of even one of those parasprites, you will be eaten. This is not an exaggeration. :Twilight Sparkle: Yes! Yes. Okay. :Fluttershy: Does she mean the parasprites will eat you? :Twilight Sparkle: Shut up! :Princess Celestia: I look forward to your progress. Speaking of, what did you learn today? :Twilight Sparkle: Uh, that you should... that... stammers Listen-Listen to your friends, even if they're intentionally opaque! :Princess Celestia: I will be checking on you again... my faithful student. Category:Transcripts Category:Mature content Category:The Mentally Advanced Series